


Happy New Years

by Starberrii125



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28474644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starberrii125/pseuds/Starberrii125
Kudos: 3





	Happy New Years

I heard the sound of the TV counting. I hesitated to close the door when I got inside my bedroom. The happy voices of the crowd counted down. Five, four, three, two, one. I shut my door as the cheering echoed through the quiet house. There was no rejoicing. There was not a single sound. Then it hit me. I am alone. Parents asleep. Am I the only one who feels sad to hear the cheers? There may be people here, but i am completely alone. It all used to be happy, before everything. Before running away from my problems in fear, before lonely nights, before trying to drown out arguments, before watching my mother cry in despair about her life. I heard fireworks in the distance as I sat on the floor. Why is everything so quiet? Why am I here, just to sit and sulk about my life? The only thing that makes me happy is block men on a minecraft server, what happens when that's gone? Everything in life is so dull now. Was it always like this? I cried. For the first time in a while, I cried. It hurt. Everyone says crying makes you feel better. It didn't. The tears were just a painful reminder of how horrible things are. The horrible past, the horrible present. How will I know the future won't be like this too? Will I even want to be in the future? My friend called me. I cried to her as well. I could hear the happy voices behind her. She was having fun, and I was just an emotional bother. I really am the only one this lonely today. After the call, I crawled into bed and went on tik tok. The first one of my fyp was addressed to everyone lonely on New years, and the comments were filled with well wishes. I cried again, trying to stay silent to not wake my parents. I know there are others like me, but I felt like the only person alive at that moment. The only one who had to feel pain. I scrolled through the comments for 15 minutes, just crying. They didn't make a difference. They just made me feel more pity for myself. I went back to that video 3 times in two hours. Tonight was the first night I thought of it. What it would be like to slowly slip away, not having to feel anymore. I still think about it as I am writing this. It is 2:12 AM on January 1st, 2021. These events I write about happened from 12:00 to 2:12 on January 1st, 2021. I wish this feeling would go away. The pity I feel for myself now is so much different from the confidence I have day to day. The dark thoughts in my mind took over tonight. There is nothing I can do to stop them. I will not harm myself in any way, but I will think about the feeling of death. The slip away from reality. I've always had a detailed imagination since I was little. That can be good and bad now. I used to dream about fairies, now I dream about how I hate everything about myself. I am selfish for wanting more. I am greedy for wanting more. I am vain for wanting more. I hate the way I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way my cheeks are pink, but not on my cheekbones, on my actual cheeks. I hate my hair. I hate my voice. I hate my body. I hate my skin. I hate my clothes. I hate my personality. I hate how I need people to tell me I'm great to feel any positivity for myself, but if they compliment me, I blame myself for using them. I doubt it when anyone says they like me. What is to like? I am horrible. I've hurt so many people, I will hurt you too. I don't feel guilty for hurting them though. Am I just a monster? I always thought I was ugly. I've been ugly and chubby for my entire life. I've been told horrible things about me. I think I'm pretty now, but am I? I need makeup to feel pretty. I need compliments for feel pretty. They could be lying. I could be lying to myself. It's all probably a lie. Why am I even writing this all down. It just makes me more selfish, wanting things to change. 

If you are reading this, you are for a reason. I trust you with my real thoughts. I've never like to trust people, but I need to. I am not okay. I've never been okay. I've hid everything from everyone. I don't think I ever will be okay. But I don't want sympathy. I'm greedy to want sympathy. I just want some people to know what I think. Please don't shower me with support. I will feel guilty. I will feel like I am manipulating. I will hate myself more. Thank you for reading my rant. Goodnight and happy new years :)


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